DreAmbition

A year ago the possibilities within my horizon were unlimited to make your dream wish come true in time. This must have been the reason why we had met each other in this life. We were almost strangers to each other with the strong resemblance that we are both humans. So I felt that you deserved this and that I had to try. Who could have known that at least this, in the midst of all the misery that each of us had to undergo for our own reasons in our own ways, would work out? We human beings are capable of so much more than we could ever possibly imagine. If we would only dare to see each other and ourselves through much more humane eyes.

For that you need a great heart, one that believes and in yourself. It is absolutely not relevant if people will reject us for who we are, since we are nowhere if we cannot be ourselves. An unhappy, non-satisfactory life full of regrets is what lasts for us if we will live the life of the other. Tragic and such a waste it is when it is us rejecting ourselves. Restricting ourselves in our capacity because of fear. Daring to cross the threshold for everything and everyone, except for ourselves. You probably would have wanted to have kicked my ass if you could have seen how I have been living this year. Where it was merely I who stopped myself. It seems easy to hide behind the excuse that others control our lives, where it is only our fear that reigns. I know what it is like to be truly powerless, but oh dear how painful and regretful and shameful it is to realise where you have always had all the power and you have done it to yourself.

On the other hand, I have needed these experiences, since I could otherwise still not have committed myself to for once quit making myself smaller. Mistakes are what you need, no matter how bothersome that sounds. Given that mistakes are just as stubborn and interesting as I am. Imperfection provides a space for experimenting with and exploring all those endless possibilities that exist within you. I believed in you, not merely because you deserved it, but also because I deserve it. For the reason that even if there would be no one to feel that way, at least I would have to stand for myself.

Apparently I am not that weak and insecure at all. As I truly believe deep down inside that my dreams have an existential right, and that what makes me, me. Since it are not other people’s regrets, that will affect your soul’s conscious for the longest, but your own. The reasons you could not give to yourself to fall short on you until it got too late. I rather should start jumping harder and deeper than ever before. Real wisdom is gained by countless small steps and is not something you can then just throw away at a blow. Ultimately it only comes down to faith in.....yourself.....with self forgiveness and indispensable love.

In Memoriam 2007